Forgiveness
by nebbyJen
Summary: Missing Beckett scene from Conversion. One man’s battle to come to grips with a terrible mistake he’d made that nearly cost a friend his life.


**Forgiveness** (Missing Beckett scene from Conversion) by nebbyJen

Summary: Guilt is a heavy burden to bear when the opportunity for forgiveness is nearly lost. One man's battle to come to grips with a terrible mistake he'd made that nearly cost a friend his life.

Season/Spoilers: 2 / Conversion/Trinity

Rating: K

A/N: Atlantis does not belong to me. 10/17/2005

**Forgiveness**

Elizabeth was surprised to read the request submitted before her, but taking in the appearance of the weary figure standing silently in front of her desk, she quickly granted the 24 hour leave of absence…no questions asked. Rising silently to join him, she walked the man to the doorway, stopping him temporarily with a reassuring hand on his arm. "Rest," she said softly, hoping the expression of warmth she shared with him would help ease his burden.

His gaze met hers and he only gave a slight nod before leaving as quietly as he'd arrived.

SG: A

He walked. To where he wasn't certain. He just let his feet carry him to a part of Atlantis that he wasn't sure he'd ever been to before. And when he came to find himself standing at the bottom of a staircase that disappeared upwards into darkness, he lifted his leaden feet onto the first riser…and then the next…and then the next.

His eyes closed, his hand on the railing, his feet moving without instruction. Up. He needed to go up.

That was the thing about Atlantis. There were no hills to hide in. No trees to disappear behind. No towering bluffs to stand along.

Here, when you made a mistake, there was no refuge from the prying eyes that would follow and accuse. Everyone knew what he'd done. What his ignorance and arrogance had caused to happen.

He'd come so close to… He shuddered. His shoulders drooped further. He continued to go up.

Darkness enveloped him. This part of the city was not lit by the new Zed PM. It didn't matter though, for he'd once read that even in the darkness you cannot hide. Solace would not be found here.

He continued up. His mind replaying every event. The denial. The confusion. The hurt. The loss.

He stumbled when his feet no longer found a higher step to stand upon and he fell to his knees. With his hands stretched out, he slowly stood back up and walked forward until he bumped into a cool flat surface. Pressing his forehead against the panel he slowly opened his eyes.

He saw stars. Thousands of them. The night sky glittered like diamonds around him as he wearily walked the circumference of the small tower room.

There was no moon and for this he was grateful. He wanted to hide in the darkness of his failure.

When his feet could no longer walk and his body demanded rest, he sank bonelessly to sit on the floor.

The image of his friend's transformation haunting him as his eyes no longer held the strength to stay open.

"What have I done?" he whispered into the cold darkness.

SG: A

He awoke much later to the feeling of warmth as sunshine poured in through large panes of glass. Sitting up stiffly, he was surprised to find a jacket draped across him and when it fell to his lap, he instantly recognized the red and white patch attached to the shoulder.

"He asked for you after you left last night," a voice said from behind him. There was no accusatory tone, just a statement.

He turned to meet the gaze he was certain was watching him and instead saw the back of a familiar figure standing with arms folded, staring out across the water.

"I'm sorry."

The shoulders shifted and the man slowly turned to face him. Blue eyes looked down to meet his. "For what?"

"For being a bloody arrogant fool. What was I thinking, taking that serum to the planet?"

"How to save a young girl from a life of torment."

He glanced away from the figure watching him. He felt the weight of despair and guilt cling to him like a heavy cloak. "I failed."

"He's still alive. And last time I checked, he actually appeared a little less blue and creepy looking. Is that failure to save a life?"

The figure on the floor remained quiet, resting his head on his drawn up knees.

Footsteps fell as the other man walked across the room and then there was a sound of something moving before a cool fresh breeze blew throughout the tower. "You want to know what I think?" he said as he came to crouch beside the seated figure. "I think you realized that you aren't God and you made a mistake. I guess that makes you human, doesn't it?"

"How did you do it?"

"Do what? Come to realize that because of my own arrogance, I caused a man to lose his life? Or how I almost wiped out an entire solar system as well as my friend because I thought I had all the answers?"

Silence hung heavy between the men.

"Carson, he asked for you. Let it go."

But he couldn't. He wasn't ready to. "I want to be left alone."

The scientist nodded. Standing up straight, he walked back over to the windows and looked out across the ocean again. "So did I." With one last glance, he turned and made his way to the head of the staircase, stopping on the first riser. "I had power transferred to this tower so make sure to close the windows before you come back down." And then he was gone.

SG: A

He sat for several more hours, watching the sun shift across the room before pulling himself to his feet. Going to the nearest open window, he stuck his head outside and let the breeze blow across his face and ruffle his hair.

When his stomach growled loudly, demanding attention after nearly a day of being ignored, he resigned himself to the fact that he had to go back. A quick glance around the tower and he was able to locate the window controls, sealing them tight against future bad weather.

Fingering the controls again, he cracked one open minutely to allow the smallest hint of fresh air…just in case he needed to come back and Rodney wasn't around to turn on the lights next time.

The first hint of a smile graced his face in what felt like ages at that thought. Bending down, he retrieved the scientist's jacket from off the floor and patted the front pockets in search of the lump he knew he'd find.

He wasn't disappointed. Removing the foiled pack, he peeled open a corner to reveal a toffee power bar. The only flavor the scientist knew the physician would eat.

Rodney was an enigma at best. How could someone so absolutely clueless about people know him so well?

SG: A

He took his time walking back to the infirmary. When he reached the familiar hallway, he felt lighter, more in control. And when he stepped in through the doors, his feet automatically directed him to the curtained off bed to the side of the room.

The figure buried beneath the pile of soft white blankets lay perfectly still, his chest slowly rising and falling with steady breaths of sleep. Somehow he must have sensed the visitor at his side and he shifted slightly, his eyes blinking heavily to identify who was there.

"Hey, doc," he said sleepily, a small smile crinkling the corners of his eyes. "McKay said you'd be by later." He stretched and then slid deeper beneath the blankets. "Have a good nap?" he mumbled before slipping back to sleep.

Carson stood and watched for a long time. Sheppard did look less blue and creepy, just like Rodney said. The eyes that had been opened briefly looking at him held recognition. And there was no accusation.

Pulling up the vacant chair from an earlier visitor, he settled in to rest a moment before he made his way back to his office. With the scientist's jacket still clutched in his hand, he slid down further to rest his head against the back of the chair and closed his eyes. 'Just let it go,' Rodney had said, and somehow with the help of all his friends, he had done just that.

The End

A/N: To those of you who send kind feedback, thank you. Jen


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